I’m thinking of eggplant parmesan for dinner. Crickets, cicadas...sounds of deep summer. A dove song…
Weeks of that flat, gray feeling…depression…funk. Friends don’t let me sink too far below the surface with their easy nudging and reaching out. My teacher’s quiet words of encouragement as they all keep throwing out the rope. Eventually, I take the end of the rope. I dive into my practices. Yoga, asana, meditation, breathwork, online lectures, writing. The question is written in my journal, “how do I love myself?” I don’t answer it, I just keep writing it over and over again. How do I love myself? The answer to that question is actually the answer to how I love everyone else. How do I love myself in a way that allows me to express and live from a place of love and trust rather than fear? We have to start where we are and we have to start with ourselves. It’s from that place that we reflect our true selves, our true love out into the world. How do I love myself? I can’t do it spinning and searching outside for an answer to my really big questions. I’ve spent almost 3 years here not being my best self. Almost 3 years of transitioning from one big thing to another through a pandemic and into a new marriage. Where on earth am I and what on earth am I supposed to be doing next? Finally, how do I love myself? What are the qualities of my best self? I wrote it all down. To go there is to find Teri. From a place of love…loving myself, it becomes safe for her to emerge and to bloom. The desire to become my best self keeps me committed to changing from the inside out in order to create the life and experience I dream of. Spending hours in my room having my own retreat and deep dive into the loving self care I am in need of. I light a candle each morning to begin. I write. It’s a love that cannot come from anyone or anyplace outside of myself. The movement, the breathing, the writing and the walks in nature begin to polish the gray away.
Sunshine and blue skies this morning!
We run screaming through the snow into the icy ocean water in our swimsuits and stocking caps. A few of my girlfriends had mentioned this idea to me a week or so ago. We emailed back and forth trying to pick the perfect day and time. Lets do it.
Invigorating would be the first word that comes to mind after fucking cold. Freedom. Alive is how it makes you feel. Giddy with excitement and real joy is the best I can describe of my feelings today. Yesterday my body simply felt alive. It really was one of the most invigorating experiences I have ever had. Getting out of the water, running for a warm car and stripping off wet clothes, bundling in blankets and coats we sat together. The four of us sat talking and laughing, sharing one cup of tea from person to person looking out at the sun shining on the water, already making a plan for doing it again. Such freedom…such a feeling of freedom in doing something that seems crazy and unexpected with girlfriends. We’ll not have yesterdays experience again…with the snow and ice and the rush to run into the slush floating in the water. The rawness of it taking your breath away for the first time. Screaming like children, grabbing and hugging in the water. It was liberating and it was connecting. The four of us… the doing it together for the first time is hard to describe and a moment in time impossible to recreate in the same way again.
As I sit in meditation this morning, I feel excitement bubbling from deep within. I feel the shiny pearl that is me and the light that burns deep within shining. Seemingly an unexplainable happiness and gratitude to be alive and to have such wonderful friendships.
We will definitely do it again. We’ve got a plan.