Winter blues Weeks of that flat, gray feeling…depression…funk. Friends don’t let me sink too far…
Opening to grace.
Surrendering to the spirit within.
Surrendering to my true selfâ€¦my highest self.
Without a spiritual community, how do we get the support we need to practice these intentions and desires?Â I have been away from my yoga community for a whileâ€¦bouncing around from class to class without a real connection to the people I am practicing with.Â Teachers talking and telling their stories while music is playing.Â No quiet moments.
I loved todayâ€™s classâ€¦the space for quietâ€¦the quiet to slow down and turn inward, centerâ€¦to become quiet and centered in a very deep way.Â Listening and observing myself.
Our worlds are so fullâ€¦FILLED with noise and movement and stimulation at every turn.Â Demands on our time and attention pulling us, driving us.
Shouldnâ€™t we question our inability or discomfort with quiet?Â Our inability to be still and breatheâ€¦noticing our breath again and again.Â What is it about ourselves that frightens us when there is quiet?
Does the business of yoga, the business of religion, the business of anything and itâ€™s need for success and appeal to the masses for financial stability and acknowledgment, keep us busy and distracted from the quiet inner discovery of ourselves.
As I write this, I am reminded of a conversation with a friend about watching, listening and wanting to be heardâ€¦about asking lots of questions to learn about someone and about the time spent observing someone to learn about them or to show interest.Â Later, Adam and I talked about itâ€¦in what ways do we learn, show interest in and see someone elseâ€™s authenticity rather than the image that they want us to see with their words?Â Today, after class, it came up again with another friend.Â Our shared belief is that when someone spends a lot of time telling you about themselvesâ€¦I am this or I am thatâ€¦it is a way to keep you distant.Â We say, this is what I want you to know and believe about meâ€¦you donâ€™t need to look further.Â I think we do this unconsciously when people ask us questions about ourselves.Â I know I do.Â We are busy telling our rehearsed story to others and to ourselves.Â In my experience, I learn the most about a person by taking the time to observe how they show up and live their lives.Â It gives me an opportunity to see how they are in the world in a way that goes deeper and more authentically than a verbal answer to my questions.
Its in the quiet moments that we not only learn about someone else, but ourselves as well.
The teacher in class today says, â€œrelax your face and then notice that everything is still ok.â€Â We sometimes put great effort into holding tension in our faces to keep control over something, to hold on to something.Â â€œlet go of the tension in your face and when you do, notice that everything is still ok.â€
I often have a tight, closed lip weird look on my face when Adam takes my picture.Â I hate it and Iâ€™m really working hard to open my mouth and my expressionâ€¦letting go of whatever it is I hold in my face.Â Itâ€™s a habit I want to change and am reminded of it over and over again when I look at these pictures of myself.Â If itâ€™s not that lookâ€¦itâ€™s often a hard look of concentration, as I think.Â When I see my face in those pictures, I am not projecting what I am actually feeling.Â I have, over the years, developed a horrible habit of holding tension in my face and it comes across unhappy or stressed or cold or angry.Â Anotherâ€™s perception of me is really a perception through the lens of their own experiences but when I see it in myself, I find it really does not reflect my heart.Â Iâ€™ve become so skilled and guarded in that area.Â Protecting my heart = closing my heart.Â That isnâ€™t at all the intention I have for myself or my life.Â So.Â With a lot of awareness, quiet to pay attentionâ€¦I am trying to open my mouth and smileâ€¦open my face and let the smile touch my eyes because that is actually how I want to be and to see myself in the world.Â This isnâ€™t an intention for someone elseâ€™s benefit of observation but for my own.Â Taking the time to get so quiet, centered and aware of the ways in which my intentions in the world align with my behaviors.